"If you ever die, I'll kill you"

My wife Lorie has concocted the perfect New Year’s Eve: Burning logs in the fireplace, flutes of bubbly, and Oh-Dear-God, a “romantic” movie. This is what happens when a dude doesn’t have a plan.

Having just listened to Kris Kristofferson’s 16 Biggest Hits, she suggests the 1976 umpteenth remake of A Star is Born with Barbra Streisand and KK.  My vote is Tremors, the 1990 Kevin Bacon tearjerker. The rec-room scene with Michael Gross and Reba McEntire repeatedly shooting an enormous three tongued worm is a breathtaking expression of bonding through firearms.  I don’t own a gun, but I find their love of gunpowder palpable.

So,  A Star is Born it is.

**I highly recommend you  click here   to open a separate background music window to accompany the rest of this blog**

FLASHBACK 1977: Cousin Sherry drags my 16-year-old-cousin Phil and me to see the most romantic movie ever made. For two hours Babs posed and preened while Kristofferson toked, drank and snorted his way across the screen, out Morrisoning Jim himself.  Streisand looked pretty hot as the filling in her all-girl trio The Oreos, and Kristofferson rocked an open-to-the-waist shirt like nobody’s business.  He seemed so free, so unattached, as if he’d stumbled onto the set and the director said, “Hey wait, you’re a lot of fun. You ever been in a movie?”

One scene that remains burned in my brain possibly changed cinema, auto enthusiasts and beer forever.

  SPOILER ALERT

IF YOU PLAN TO SPEND NEW YEAR’S EVE WATCHING A STAR IS BORN DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS.

Esther (Streisand) and John (Kristofferson) have moved to the desert to escape the spotlight of music fame. John awakens early one morning, pulls on his jeans, surveys the beautiful surroundings and cracks open a Schlitz beer. He tosses the brew back, crawls into his Ferrari Daytona Spyder- the very car he told Esther was “Just like you. Fast and outta my league”- and speeds away into the abyss.

This just can’t be good. Drinkin’ and drivin’ is a big no-no, but Schlitz for breakfast is unforgivable.

We soon learn John has died in a crash and Esther rushes to his side to touch his face just one last time. The totaled Ferrari smokes and coughs helplessly in the background.

It should have ended there. But no. We cut to Esther in concert bellowing “Evergreen” and her version of John’s famous hit “Watch Closely Now.” Of course the only thing the audience is thinking at this point is, “Wow, they totaled a Ferrari Spyder for a movie??? And worse, Schlitz killed Kris Kristofferson?”

See,  Schlitz was a powerhouse in 1976. The number two brewery in America.  But in each of the following six years Schlitz lost considerable market share until finally, in 1982, it was taken over by Stroh’s. Why? Because people were pissed that a terrible beer not only killed Kris Kristofferson, it also destroyed a Ferrari. To make matters worse, the rather obscure PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Ferrari’s) formed in late 1976, and of course, the rest is history.

Ok. Back to Lorie, the DuraFlame log, the two bottles of Cristalino and a frozen chicken pie thawing in the fridge. We just previewed the trailer on Youtube and I’m beginning to think Saturday evening’s feature could possibly be better than Tremors.

OPEN ON MEDIUM SHOT OF STREISAND SINGING “EVERGREEN”

70‘s Announcer Guy:

Barbra Streisand. Kris Kristofferson.  Two lovers who had everything.

CUT TO KRISTOFFERSON AND STREISAND IN SEMI-NUDE EMBRACE

         Streisand:          (whispering) “If you ever die, I’ll kill you.” 

Kristofferson:     (grunting) “I ain’t ever gonna die”. 

 70‘s Announcer Guy:   

But sometimes… Everything Just. Isn’t. Enough.

Happy New Year

See you back here in a few,

TG